For quite sometime people think that I have a strong personality. Unknown to them, I have deep seated issues brought about by loss of my mother. My mother is one of the most important person in my life next to my wife.
It was 1998, when she was diagnosed with colon cancer. She had a surgery and was confined in St. Lukes Hospital ICU for a couple of weeks. On the first week of her stay in the ICU, she begged me to go back to the United States because according to her she will be fine and she's afraid that I might lose my job if I stay longer in the Philippines. As much as I don't want to leave her in that condition, I acceded to her request, I went back to the United States.
After I went home from my first day of work, I received a phone call that my beloved mother didn't make it. It was the worst day of my life. I felt guilty that I wasn't at her side when she passed away. How I wish that I didn't listen to her and stayed with her the whole time that she was in ICU. But on the other hand, I know that she was happy that I listened to her .
I talked to my Supervisor if he can allow me to take another leave of Absence to attend to my funeral but instead he gave me a hard time. Finally he gave me a permission to go for only a week. Until now I hate my Supervisor for giving me a hard time . I hated him more when I discovered that I am eligible to take a leave of absence to care for my mother when she was at the hospital under the family leave Act (FMLA). It was never offered to me by my supervisor.
At the airport I was on the chance passenger list however, I wasn't able to make it as the plane was full of passengers. It added to my misery and I was very frustrated that I wasn't able to go home. On the way home, we were stopped by Highway Patrol for not having the registration sticker pasted on my car. We received a ticket because of this.
On the next day, i finally was able to fly back to the Philippines. As I was driving home, I saw a tricycle (mode of transportation) with wreath at the with the name of my mother. it was the worst feeling. I stopped my car and started crying hard. I wanted to scream out of grief but instead I cries for a long time. Finally, I drove home and saw my mother inside the coffin. No tears came from my eyes from then on. The grief that I had was internalized. I didn't even cried when my mother was finally laid to rest.
For 12 years, I never cried once. Even if I try to cry, I wasn't able to do it, I don't know why. My wife thought that it is because I have a very strong personality. but little she know that although I am strong outside , inside I am very weak.
